Meh – a skeptic sighs

I’m sick of the hypocrisy. I’m sick of the choosing where, why and how ideologies that should apply to everyone are applied.

I’m sick of people thinking being wronged against is an excuse for doing wrong.

I’m sick of being cast in the role of villain for not agreeing 100% with the action they think should be taken. Despite being in full agreement with them on the issue.

I’m fed up of people mischaracterising what people actually say or think to fit in with whatever crime they think/want them to have committed.

I’m fed up of hypocrisy, intellectual dishonesty and baseless and ignorant assumption.

I’m sick of people betraying and debasing their own principles in the name of defending them.

I’m fed up with how no one who should read this and understand it will bother to.

LLB Reading List request

Hello folks does anyone have access to these books or old copies lying around that they could bung my way?

Reading list

Scottish Legal System;

T1: M. White and I.D. Willock, The Scottish Legal System, (4th edition, Tottel Publishing: Edinburgh 2007)
T2: K. Fullerton, Legal Research Skills for Scots lawyers, (2nd edition, Greens: Edinburgh 2007)

 

Criminal Law;

(Most recent editions)
T1: Gordon, Criminal law (W Green)
T2:Jones & Christie, Criminal law (W Green)
T3: Gane & Stoddart, Casebook on Scottish Criminal law (W Green)

 

Obligations 1;

T1: Contract law in Scotland (2nd edition) 2007 MacQueen and Thomson
T2: Contract (3rd edition) 2001 Woolman and Lake
T3: Contract Cases and materials (2nd edition) 2003 Huntly, Blackie and Cathcart
T4: The law of Contract in Scotland (3rd edition) 2007 W.W. McBryde
T5: Unlocking Contract law (2nd edition) 2007 Chris Turner

 

Law of Human Rights;

T1: Ashton C and Finch V: Human Rights and Scots law (2002) W Green
T2: Reed R and Murdoch J: Guide to Human Rights law in Scotland (2007) 3rd ed Tottel
T3: Jowell J and Oliver D: The Changing Constitution (2006) OUP
T4: Fenwick H and Phillipson G: Text, Cases and Materials on Public law and Human Rights (2003)2nd ed. Cavendish
T5: Ewing K and Dale-Risk K: Civil Liberties in Scotland: Cases and Materials (2004) Greens
T6: Avizandum Statutes on Scots Public law (2006) Avizandum

 

Business Law;

T1: Davidson and MacGregor Commercial law in Scotland; 2nd ed. Greens 2008
T2: Gloag and Henderson Introduction to the law of Scotland 8th ed. Greens 2007
T3: McBryde law of Bankruptcy 3rd ed. Greens 2007
T4: Ashton et al. Understanding Scots law Greens 2007

 

Family Law,

T1: Avizandum Scots Family law Statutes (Avizandum)
T2: Thomson, Family law in Scotland, (Butterworths)
T3: Sutherland, Child and Family law, (Greens)
T4: Butterworths Scottish Family law Service (loose-leaf), Butterworths

 

Property Law;

T1: Guthrie: Scottish Property law, 2nd Edition, Tottel, 2005
T2: Gordon: Scottish Land law, 2nd Edition, W Green, 1999

 

Constitutional and Administrative Law.

T1: Bradley A and Ewing K: Constitutional and Administrative law 2006, 14th ed Longman
T2: Munro J: Public law 2007 2nd ed W Green
T3: Munro C: Studies in Constitutional law 1999 2nd ed Butterworths
T4: Barnett H: Constitutional and Administrative law 2006 5th ed Cavendish
T5: Himsworth C and O’Neill C: Scotland’s Constitution: law and Practice 2005 Butterworths
T6: Avizandum Statutes on Scots Public law 2006 Avizandum

Law of Evidence;

T1: Raitt, ‘The law of Evidence’, 3rd ed., 2001, W Green.
T2: Walker and Walker, ‘The law of Evidence in Scotland’, 2nd ed, 2001, T & T Clark.
T3: Sheldon, ‘Evidence: cases and materials’, 2nd ed, 2002, W Green.
T4: Westlaw & Lexis nexis (online resources).

 

Company Law;

T1: Grier Company law; 3rd ed. Greens 2009
T2: Gloag and Henderson Introduction to the law of Scotland 8th ed. Greens 2007
T3: Mayson French and Ryan Company law (a new edition each year)
T4: Sealy Cases and Materials in Company law Thomson 8th ed. 2007
T5: Davies Gower and Davies’ Principles of Modern Company law Thomson 8th ed.2008

 

 

Legal Profession,

T1: T. Welsh The Scottish Criminal Courts in Action, Bloomsbury Professional
T2: J Macfarlane the New lawyer – How Settlement is Transforming the Practice of law, University of British Columbia Press
T3: W. Ury Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement Without Giving In, Random House Business Books

Dispute Resolution and Ethics;

 

EU Law;

T1: N. Foster, Foster on EU law, Oxford University Press.
T2: P. Craig, P and G. de Burca, EU law: Text, Cases and Materials, Oxford University Press.
T3:M. Horspool, European Union law, Oxford University Press.
T4: D. Chalmers, C. Hadjiemmanuil, G Monty, and A. Tomkins, European Union law, Cambridge University Press.
T5: P. Mathijsen, A Guide to European Union law, Sweet & Maxwell.
T6: J. Steiner et al, Textbook on EU law, Oxford University Press.

 

Law of Succession & Trusts,

T1: The Scots law of Succession Hiram, Tottel
T2: Succession”, Macdonald, Greens
T3: Trusts” K. McK.Norrie and E.M.Scobie W.Green

 

Obligations 2;

(most recent edition)
T1: McManus and Russell, Delict
T2: Thomson, Delictual liability

 

plus two option modules from a course-specific option pool.

 

Why don’t you just do something?

“why don’t you just x?”

I hear a lot of that. For many it’s a default response and I suspect in many cases it’s born out of a well meaning frustration.

Believe it or not there was a time when I wasn’t in the thrall of the malignant sadness and I knew others who were.

Despite having experienced the lick of the black dog myself I acted in much the same way people have to me. Told them they had to leave the house, had to stop hiding away and face things and asked them why they didn’t just do x?

You see one of the great tragedies of being well is that sometimes you can forget the lessons learnt inhabiting the lonely and painful shell of depression. As a psychiatrist once said to me she heard a musician talking about depression. In the throes of his illness he wanted to cut off his own hand but now better looking back he just wanted to grab people he saw with the illness shake them and tell them to do x.

He had lost the link to the experience and the understanding. He had lost the understanding that when you can’t even get out of bed, when leaving the house is a gargantuan endeavour that being told you should do x or being asked why don’t you do x is no better than a shiv.

Worse a shiv wielded by a visitor to your lonely cell who should bring some form of comfort. But brings only a reminder of the pathetic shadow that sits doing its best to imitate who you once were.

People with depression don’t need advice, they don’t need to be told to do things.

As shocking as it may seem they probably already know.

They just can’t.

It may seem like they are just picking a scab that will never heal. But it’s support that’s needed not advice.

CBT 1

I dunno if I would really do this were it private. So here it is public. Probably ill advised but hey what post on here these days isn’t?

Mind over mood. Worksheet 1.1

Environmental changes/Life situations
Near enough two years sober.
Stress over money (specifically large debts and worries over affording rent)
Finding new flatmate stressful
Relationships not working out and ending.
Leaving my schizophrenic mother after a pretty harrowing psychotic episode directed at me.
Issues of addiction.
Family keeping things from me.
Family generally not being expressive of emotions.
Problems relating on much more than a superficial level with most people.

physical reactions
Low appetite.
Sleep pattern out of whack.
anhedonia
Headaches
Irritability
Tiredness
Agoraphobia

Moods
Sadness
Guilty
Shame
Scared
Lonely
Paranoia
Self Loathing

behaviours
Starting stupid arguments
Self harm
Pushing people away
Languishing in the house
Trying to do too much and setting myself up for failure.
Not getting out of bed
Avoiding work
Avoid meeting new people
Avoid using phones
Passive Aggressive snark
Relying on other people rather than myself to lift my mood.

thoughts
Think it would be better not to be here then condemned to always come back to the bleak square one.
Find myself disgusting physically, intellectually and morally.
Hate myself for abandoning my mother for 15 years
Hate that I have to sometimes cut myself to feel normal
Think everything I’ve ever done is shit and constantly seek approval and praise to briefly convince me it isn’t.

That will probably do for now.

A story of me.

At one point or another the illness get’s too much and the mask has to slip.

So you all get to see the pathetic, petty, selfish fuck up and human cunt garbage that hides behind the pretence of me being a reasonable, even likeable, human being. In reality I am just a hateful mess of guilt, shame and recrimination.  I am an idiot who does a half hearted impression of someone with half a brain I sit here and wait for everyone to find out just how stupid I am. I am Beyond ugly, physically repulsive, a distended and corpulent mess of fat, stretch marks and scars. My reflection makes me want to vomit. I am a consumer, a machine for taking without giving back. I am without a doubt a spectacular waste of all the oxygen and other resources that goes into maintaining myself as this useless blight.

But why? Did Mummy not love me?

I’ve now spent more than half my life wondering that. She’s ill you see. Far more ill than I am. A delusional schizophrenic diagnostically. I wonder many things about Mum. Does she believe I exist for one? Does she ever think about us? Does she still believe the malevolent forces of the SQA (the Scottish Qualifications Authority) are moving against her and hiding secret messages in number plates? Does she still think there are recording and listening devices hidden in the TV and Radio? Does she still sleep with a knife under her bed?

Is she still looking for Batman?

Did she ever hear me knocking 0n the door every time I went up just to try and see her over the past 15 years? Was she always out or did she just ignore me?

Twice I’ve been in love (properly anyway). Once was passionate and bordering on mutual self destruction – it ended messily. The other was stable but amazing. So of course I had to run away. Run away before the mask slipped.

It’s all getting a bit disjointed now.

I don’t like myself very much and I want everyone else not to like me as well because that makes it easier.

I don’t drink because I know that would probably let me jump over the last few hurdles that stop me from not being here any more.  But it worries me how much I want to be drunk.

Warning: may be triggery.

WARNING: This post may be triggery for those who have mental health issues and have considered taking their own lives.

 

Suicidal ideation isn’t nice. It’s something I pretty much have to deal with semi-regularly. Much of the time these thoughts can be silenced or muted by medication, friends, blogging and various other stuff. Sometimes they can’t – and that isn’t good.

It’s particularly “not good” as my default coping strategy has for many years been “superficial” self harm (or cutting myself). Maybe as a means of “control”, maybe as some sort of “release”. Likely a mix of both. It’s a maladaptive strategy and one I don’t advise. Recently I’ve been better at catching thought spirals and distracting myself before they get out of hand. But that takes a lot of effort.

But hey everything involved with being depressed takes a lot of effort. Getting out of bed in the morning takes a lot of effort. Getting out of the house to do anything takes a lot of effort. Making plans with people takes a lot effort.

A lot of effort to build up the self worth to consider it a good idea to get up

A lot of effort to put on the mask so you can face the world.

A lot of effort not to hate youself every minute of every day for the fat, untalented, stupid bastard you really are.

A lot of effort to do anything when you are in the grip of the malignant sadness.

For instance it is taking me a lot of effort to type this blog as I’m convinced it’s badly written, poorly realised shite.

But I felt I had to write something. Rather than responding to various conversations and attitudes that I find quite distressing.

I’ve thought about killing myself several times over the years, months… hell I even had intrusive thoughts about it last week. For those not familiar with the concept I had thoughts I didn’t want, about ending my own life, continually buzzing around my brain. They just appeared in there and wouldn’t go away. Wouldn’t leave me alone. 

Cos you know I don’t actually like these thoughts. Don’t like thinking I’m worthless, don’t like thinking all my achievements are mediocre and meaningless.Don’t like remembering there are times when I am not like this. Times when I wasn’t like this. Times when I wasn’t stuck in this fucking prison of self loathing, self absorption and self destruction.

And you know what doesn’t help? Being told suicide is “selfish” or “unacceptable”. Sometimes there are more complex reasons for these views than is apparent when people use them. Sometimes people just really do think that suicide is selfish.

Which is kinda the reason I spent much of my depressive life not seeking help. Battling on alone against pure fucking misery. Because I didn’t want to be ill. Not just because I wanted to be well but also because I didn’t want to be fucking selfish.

Thinking of suicide isn’t selfish, it isn’t unacceptable. You can maybe argue that suicide itself is. But I disagree. It’s applying a moral judgement using emotive language to an act that most probably can’t fathom. SO I don’t care that you might think it should be unacceptable or considered selfish. 

JUST KNOW THAT DOESN’T FUCKING HELP!

And if I do kill myself than know it’s (in part) down to a sort of twisted altruism so you don’t have to put up with me any more. 

My wee poll on Scottish independence

I have no way of getting a truly representative sample but thought this might be interesting.

There are two sets of three polls for people living in Scotland (just below) and the rest of the UK (under the Scots poll) and one simple poll in case anyone from anywhere else shows up at the bottom of the post.

Cheers for coming along to vote. Please do click on all three.

For people living in Scotland use these polls.

For those living in the rest of the UK use these polls.

For those living outside the UK.

Preaching the end of me

What can I say.

I’m low.

Maybe as low as I’m likely to get at present. Engaged in a constant battle with intrusive thoughts about self harm and suicide. Actually tempted to jump off North Bridge today. Though obviously I didn’t it still scares me that it seemed easier to walk up to the edge than walk away from it (so to speak).

I’m fed up with other people being shit. I’m fed up with other people being indifferent.

I don’t appear to have any support mechanisms anymore. I appear to have systematically burnt all my bridges with any old friends or otherwise just conspired to being shite at maintaining friendships.

I just feel alone all the time.

Though the only person I hate more than you is me.

I’m fed up with my own inability to cope and I’m fed up of going through this time and time again.

What’s the point in getting better to just go back to square one at the slightest setback?

Can’t help coming back to the same question “why am I still here?”.

The only answer I have thus far is cowardice.

I’m pretty sure I won’t do “anything stupid” (though frankly I fail to see how ending this cycle of misery could be considered anywhere near idiotic) but who knows maybe one day?

The Black Spot

I thought about the full stop again today, the end of the sentence.

The last few weeks have been punctuated by feelings of being in parenthesis. Being somehow separate from everything and still unable to escape this melancholy period.

Depression is something like vanity for masochists sometimes. When your happy for everything to be your fault. To be the malevolent singularity around which the world revolves, to be the cause and effect of everything that could ever go wrong for everyone.

You ask people if they are alright or if things are going well not out of kindness or concern but out of paranoia. To reassure yourself you haven’t upset them and put your own mind at ease.

Sometimes I would be happy just to remain functionally miserable. To force a smile and wear that as armour against the world while the soft centre fails to hold. But that’s not always an option unfortunately.

I worry the sadness seeps out of me and infects others around me. So at first they become wary and eventually become frustrated and driven away by my constant trials and tests.

Faults in friends become deadly wounds piercing my sides like spears. I start to despise those closest to me and those who have drifted away overtime.

But at the same time I need people to like me, to need me more than ever.

So I can drive them away. They have to prove they care about me so i can conspire to make them not care. Why? Well people, friends, social networks they all get in the way of the end of the sentence.

So I Strive not to be missed and aim for shrugs where the bad news breaks rather than tears.

I’m waiting for the end of the sentence – but I’m still not sure I want to write it myself.

PhP help (again!!!)

Hello can anyone help me here? Want to alter this code so that my sidebar doesn’t appear on any page other than the front page of my blog

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Or is this something I should do from where this is called rather than in the sidebar file itself?
As it is appears here?

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