and your electron microscope

Tag: personal

Why don’t you just do something?

“why don’t you just x?”

I hear a lot of that. For many it’s a default response and I suspect in many cases it’s born out of a well meaning frustration.

Believe it or not there was a time when I wasn’t in the thrall of the malignant sadness and I knew others who were.

Despite having experienced the lick of the black dog myself I acted in much the same way people have to me. Told them they had to leave the house, had to stop hiding away and face things and asked them why they didn’t just do x?

You see one of the great tragedies of being well is that sometimes you can forget the lessons learnt inhabiting the lonely and painful shell of depression. As a psychiatrist once said to me she heard a musician talking about depression. In the throes of his illness he wanted to cut off his own hand but now better looking back he just wanted to grab people he saw with the illness shake them and tell them to do x.

He had lost the link to the experience and the understanding. He had lost the understanding that when you can’t even get out of bed, when leaving the house is a gargantuan endeavour that being told you should do x or being asked why don’t you do x is no better than a shiv.

Worse a shiv wielded by a visitor to your lonely cell who should bring some form of comfort. But brings only a reminder of the pathetic shadow that sits doing its best to imitate who you once were.

People with depression don’t need advice, they don’t need to be told to do things.

As shocking as it may seem they probably already know.

They just can’t.

It may seem like they are just picking a scab that will never heal. But it’s support that’s needed not advice.

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CBT 1

I dunno if I would really do this were it private. So here it is public. Probably ill advised but hey what post on here these days isn’t?

Mind over mood. Worksheet 1.1

Environmental changes/Life situations
Near enough two years sober.
Stress over money (specifically large debts and worries over affording rent)
Finding new flatmate stressful
Relationships not working out and ending.
Leaving my schizophrenic mother after a pretty harrowing psychotic episode directed at me.
Issues of addiction.
Family keeping things from me.
Family generally not being expressive of emotions.
Problems relating on much more than a superficial level with most people.

physical reactions
Low appetite.
Sleep pattern out of whack.
anhedonia
Headaches
Irritability
Tiredness
Agoraphobia

Moods
Sadness
Guilty
Shame
Scared
Lonely
Paranoia
Self Loathing

behaviours
Starting stupid arguments
Self harm
Pushing people away
Languishing in the house
Trying to do too much and setting myself up for failure.
Not getting out of bed
Avoiding work
Avoid meeting new people
Avoid using phones
Passive Aggressive snark
Relying on other people rather than myself to lift my mood.

thoughts
Think it would be better not to be here then condemned to always come back to the bleak square one.
Find myself disgusting physically, intellectually and morally.
Hate myself for abandoning my mother for 15 years
Hate that I have to sometimes cut myself to feel normal
Think everything I’ve ever done is shit and constantly seek approval and praise to briefly convince me it isn’t.

That will probably do for now.

Hello World

Well lookey maw I done got me a blog!

How often I update this we shall see but for now there’s a post to come and a lot of good intentions.¬† The focus may turn out to be science and pseudoscience perhaps music and video games. Maybe even books, films and comics. There’s a good chance I’ll start bleating on about evidence based policy and politics at some point. Either quite sensibly, calmly and properly referenced or with a manic nationalist glint in my eyes whilst singing the Proclaimers…

Now I’ve got over the shock of starting, this will be updated semi-regularly I’ll aim for one post every fortnight (possibly more, possibly less)… Although in all honesty¬† I don’t know which direction this will take…

I do know a bit about myself if that’s of any interest?

I’m currently a research assistant with the NHS putting some of my many psychology degrees to good use, hopefully I will soon get funding for a phd in risk assessment and decision making. Fingers crossed. Um… not knowing where this blog is headed I’m not sure what else to say? I’m a Nintendo fan-boy, love cult films (OK and superhero films) and have fairly “catholic” (in the universal sense) taste in music…

Oh and the title of the blog is drawn from one of my more amusing minor indiscretions on the Badscience forums an abbreviated form of “F**k you and your electron microscope”.

Cheers